Tap, tap, tap, at first, then bang, bang, bang and Kay ignored both. Then the shouting started. For a time, she ignored that, too. She sat on her low stool and rested her forehead on the edge of her dressing table, staring at the floor. Fifty-five from the first of Amadaine. Light, no. She counted again, and got fifty-six this time. It can't be. No. Maybe I just need to take it easy.

"Kay-bird, the cost of replacing this door will be the least of your worries if you do not get out here RIGHT NOW!"

She did not doubt the threat, but it still took a great deal of effort to stand up. A glance in the mirror showed her a face that was far too pale, eyes too wide. The small scar of just-healed skin at the corner of her mouth was a vivid red against her pallor. Her hand shook as she unlocked and opened the door.

"Sorry, Malak. I'm…not feeling very well." It was entirely the truth, and yet nowhere near the whole truth. Catthou, you oaf! Malak looked her over with hard eyes, then nodded slowly.

"You don't look so good, Kay-bird. Tell you what. Three days you're fighting Lecin. Torvil's not such a high-stakes roll; I'll let one of the lads fight today. You just be in top form in three days, yeah?"

Kay nodded and closed the door. She flopped on the bed and spent the next two hours counting in a quiet monotone. The answer kept coming out the same.

How can I tell you? What will you say? Do you love me enough for this to work? I can't do this on my own.

~~~

Knuckles crisscrossed with faint scars rapped sharply on the thick oak door, then Kayloha dropped her hand and stood mutely, to the left and in front of the man Malak had called "The Collector." Kay knew her job here was only to be intimidating, deal hurt as directed by The Collector, and little more. It was better than taking a beating with months of baby growing inside her. She had seen the young man around the Gholam Inn a time or two, and wondered if he was a spy for someone in the White Tower. It was likely, and Kay wondered if Malak knew he might have shut down his whole operation by bringing this man in. She said nothing, not even caring if the youth recognized her the same way. Her job was to fight, to obey the rules, and nothing else. She had proved that she would not be the cause of the gang's downfall, but no one had asked her to prevent it.

The slim blonde almost-man shifted behind her. "Make sure he's looking your way if you speak to him," Malak had told her. Subsequent observations convinced Kayloha the man was mostly, and probably entirely, deaf. It posed some interesting questions. Malak usually held no love for cripples or otherwise disabled people. This boy must have done something quite impressive to have caught Malak's eye and earned a job. Kayloha decided she would pay close attention, and stay alert. If her boss liked this boy, he was probably quite dangerous.

The door opened, and as discussed Kay attacked like lightning, catching the house's occupant by the throat. She backed him inside, looking past for others and seeing none turned quickly to press the man's back to the wall. The Collector closed the door; it had happened so fast and so quietly that Kay doubted anyone outside had noticed. Now it was her job to keep the subject both quiet and compliant. Her stomach turned over.

"You borrowed some money. Cover your debt, wasn't it, when you bet against her?" The Collector was speaking quietly to the man, who obediently stayed against the wall, nodding, when Kay released him. "It's time to pay. The arrangement was double the loan. Bring it to me or suffer."

Her stomach turned over again, and Kay began to wonder if she might be sick. Malak had told her only that The Collector needed someone to watch out for him, to back him up, show that the gang's top fighter supported him so people would think twice about harming him. Kayloha had done this sort of thing before, occasionally. It was her job to make people understand the consequences of not paying up. She still wasn't sure she'd be able to deliver if asked to beat on someone that wasn't a threat to her. Instead of stopping the bullies, she was the bully. It's a job, she reminded herself. This is what they get for borrowing money from a man like Malak. Kay was almost able to convince herself.

"I…I told Mal- your boss that I needed a little more time. He said I would have it. He wants his money." The man was shaking his head in denial, eyes flicking nervously toward Kayloha.

"You've had a little more time. Malak wants his money today, or…" he made the flick of his hand toward Kay into an elegant gesture that suggested a great deal. She forced her face still, but she was pretty sure the rising tide of panic was evident in her eyes. She was not a thug by nature. "I am The Collector, and you will pay me one way or another."

"I…bu-…I….I don't have the money. Not all of it, anyway." The man was cowering. Kay was disgusted, and wary. The Collector was but a boy - if he was a day over fifteen, Kay was a goat's uncle - but there was an air of menace about him that was evident even from behind, where she stood.

"What was that?" The youth asked, quiet laughter bubbling in his voice, "I didn't hear you." After a second Kay got the joke and chuckled, knowing it was expected of her. The man's speech was clear enough that others might not know, but she'd been let in on the secret and understood that her job was to back this boy up and to be as intimidating as possible. Laughing at a joke someone couldn't understand was a technique she'd learned early in the gang, as it was used on her often enough.

"I'll have it all in a few days. Just a few more days. That's all I need, and you and he will have it all. I don't even have…" the mark trailed off, wide-eyed. Kay followed his horror struck gaze and saw The Collector beckoning her. Her gorge rose and she fought it back.

A job, she reminded herself. A payoff. Malak gets his money, I get mine. This man asked for it, like I asked for a break from fighting. What you ask for is what you get. It almost worked, but she was still chewing on her tongue to keep the tears from her eyes as she placed her left hand on his shoulder and ploughed her right into his midsection with all her might. Twice. As he doubled over, gasping and coughing, Kay stepped back and let the boy speak again.

"We will be back tomorrow at this exact time. Malak wants his money, and he will have it then or you will die. Do not try to run," he said, taking a strip of red cloth from under his cloak and letting it flutter down to the man kneeling on the floor, who cried out with the little breath remaining to him. His hand seized on the little red thing.

Kayloha followed The Collector out, trying to ignore the man's sobs and protestations. "What was that?" she asked when they were halfway home, putting her hand on the boy's shoulder and hauling him around to face her. Having The Collector do this sort of work was new. The job had been familiar up until he'd left a token with the man.

"You did well. I will tell our employer," he replied tonelessly instead of answering. Kay realized that was what was oddest about his voice. He used almost no inflection, as if nothing he said were any more or less important than anything else he said. She shivered. After a moment he answered her question. "It was the ribbon from his daughter's hair."

He walked on, leaving Kay frozen in place. Her gorge rose and she darted into an alleyway, retching the way she hadn't done for weeks. That night she didn't sleep a wink, instead praying for the Creator's forgiveness that she'd used her talents to hurt people who hadn't truly earned it. The next day the man paid and his daughter was released to him. One week later, Kay learned that he'd borrowed from another gang to pay Malak, and when he couldn't pay them, his body was fished from the river with a cracked skull. The Watch thought he'd slipped and hit his head while walking on the rocks just below Northarbor. She didn't sleep at all that night, either, instead resting one hand on her growing abdomen and looking through the dark at the ceiling above her. How could she think to bring a child into this life, especially now that the stakes had been raised so high that a child was taken to ensure payback? The man might have brought it on himself, borrowing money from people who worked illegally, but his daughter? What could a child possibly have done to deserve being kidnapped for the sake of a few hundred marks?

How could she get out of this? This was not the life she would wish for her child. It was hers and she loved it, but it was not a thing to subject a child to. "In for life," Malak always said. He meant it. It was intolerable for Kay. But where could she go to escape it? They would find and probably kill her if she went home - Malak had long known where she was from, generally, and a few questions about what he knew of her circumstances would have him on the right track in no time.

If she could find a way to get there, Kay could go to the Black Tower; hide and wait. They might take her in for carrying an Asha'man's child. Do so, though, and she might as well announce that Catthou was the father. Kayloha wasn't sure she wanted that - at all. Not for Catthou's sake - he hadn't asked for this baby any more than she had, but he was not here to help her decide or care for it or for anything at all. He had vanished like the wind. She wanted to protect her baby from association with him - whatever the man had done, the mere mention of his name made Aes Sedai go quiet and stiff. Kay had even heard one Aes Sedai murmur to another, "War is not something to enter into lightly, sister. Channellers fighting channellers may well Break the World again." Kay did not think it was her imagination that linked the two subjects in her mind and shuddered again. War. No one will judge this child by his father - or by her mother, I'll make sure of it. A child's life is his own, and my shame, or Catthou's, is not this baby's. No, a man had got her into this, more men would not help get her out.

Just like that, Kay knew what she had to do.

Catthou, I hope you're proud of what you've driven me to. I hate that I still miss you. How could you leave me? Would you come back to me if you knew? I'd like to think so; it's so hard doing this on my own.

~~~

Kayloha tapped the toes of her boots on the floor of the Amyrlin Seat's antechamber. If the chair were a bit lower to the ground her feet would sit flat, but as it was if she wanted to sit back comfortably, her toes just barely touched the ground. "A few minutes more," the Keeper had told her, which had blossomed gradually into more than an hour. "Not long now." She sighed and stood. There was simply no way she could sit any longer. If it hadn't taken her a week to get as close to the Amyrlin's Study as she was, she might have considered leaving and coming back.

"I don't want to see you again," said the Amyrlin's voice as the door opened. A harried looking clerk scurried through the door hardly pausing to bow.

There was some business quietly spoken between the two most powerful women in the world, and then Kayloha Avialan Trieste M'Haran was ushered before the Amyrlin Seat of the Aes Sedai. Suddenly her mouth was quite dry. Months of dodging fights and waiting for word of Catthou's well being had not unnerved her as much as coming here a beggar. Three months since she'd been sure, and five since she'd seen him last. This was the most frightened she'd felt in all that time.

"I…I…" Kay stopped and took a breath. Words never failed her at the beginning of a thought. She took another breath and started again. "I need help." When an eyebrow twitched upward in inquiry, Kay explained herself in simple terms. "My child cannot have the life I've created for myself." The Amyrlin nodded after a pause so brief Kay might have imagined it.

"The way I see it," Jendaia answered, "I can offer you a number of solutions you may take alone or in concert." She held her hand up and ticked off the options on long slender fingers. "One: You can be back home in Kandor in less than a day's time. Two: I can arrange a husband for you - your fertility proven, he would be willing to look past this first child. Three: The Tower will accept your plea for sanctuary if you wish to make it, for either yourself or your child or both. Four: I can - and this option is available to you once and once only as I find it utterly distasteful - send a woman to you who can remove the problem."

Kay looked at her feet for a long time, chewing on her tongue to keep the tears from slipping out of liquid brown eyes. Finally she forced her head up, "If I wanted to give it up, Mother, I'm sure there's someone willing to beat it out of me, no strings attatched." Instead of responding to the implication as a lesser woman might have done, Kayloha's distant relative simply nodded. Realities were realities. "My life is in Tar Valon; a child left Kandor and the woman has no place there."

"The child's father…?"

Kay shook her head vehemently, answering both unasked questions. "Maybe someday, but…no. Not now. It is no one's concern but mine, anyway." No, she would not - could not, however much she wanted to - go to him. No, she would not reveal his name. She did not mention her lack of information as to his whereabouts, did not mention that if a legion of Aes Sedai had not found him - for she knew now they were actively looking - she had no hope of doing so. Once again Kay cursed herself for not listening to her mother. Get married, Kayloha, she'd said, pronouncing Kay's name the way only she said it. A man who won't marry you is a child with no regard for the messes he makes. Broken hearts were bad enough, Kay knew. Broken hearts and babies were quite a lot for a woman to deal with alone.

"I guess I'm asking for sanctuary for both of us; for me until …I don't know when. For the baby, as long as required. But I still won't answer questions about my life on the city streets." She jutted out her chin, emphasizing her point. If they would not take her here with that condition, she would leave the city; go somewhere else. She would have to.

"The child will be tested, of course, and properly trained if there are signs of the One Power," Kay nodded, she could not expect less. "Further, the child will train with the Warders from the age of 8. Light willing, my own Warders will personally see to it. Agreed?"

Kay nodded again. That the Mother was willing to accept her condition of silence was a relief beyond words. For that, she would accept almost any conditions put on her sanctuary. Her child would certainly be safe here, if anywhere. "If anything happens to me, the child is to be told his history on his fifteenth nameday, and allowed to choose the course of his own life from then on. If nothing happens to me, the child is free to leave with me whenever I choose. Agreed?"

The Amyrlin Seat nodded. "As for you, I would say you were free to move about the city, but I think you're hiding from certain people you will not mention."

"I am hiding my child from them, not myself." It was true for the moment. What would be true in later days Kay chose not to think about. She would not admit to anyone from the White Tower that there was something about her life she had to hide from for safety's sake.

Jendaia Rhiannon M'Haran, Kayloha's distant relative and an impressively imposing woman in her own right, was doubly so with the weight of the White Tower behind her. She leaned forward across her desk, and Kay was put in mind of a thunderstorm brewing in the Blight. Neither was a thing a person particularly liked to see. "This will be the second time the White Tower has taken you in. When you leave, there will not be a third, understood? The first was for what the Tower stands for, this second is for blood, and that's the last. You will cease your illegal activities," she held up her hand at signs of Kay's protest. "Do not insult me, child. I know essentially what goes on, even if I cannot prove it yet. If you resume them while under my protection, the child is forfeit to the White Tower and I will not be obligated to share with her the history of how she came here or who she is. The same holds true for taking up again with the babe's father. I did warn you, Kayloha - nothing but suffering; and not only for you. I offer you a way out of that suffering the only way I think you will understand. This is the price of your sanctuary."

The world reeled around Kayloha's head; could she stop fighting forever? What was she without the life she had built? Could she turn away from Catthou if she ever saw him again? As if from very far away she felt her hand on her swelling belly, and heard her own voice, hard and sure. "I will not answer speculation about the baby's father, so do not bother to suggest anyone again." After a pause her voice continued. "Agreed." What choice did she have?

Catthou, forgive me. There is no other choice without you. I would do anything else if I could, but it's too much to do alone. We will be safe here until you can get out of whatever the Aes Sedai think you've gotten into.

~~~

Thick fingers drummed the heavy table as Malak waited for his Kay-bird. Word had come from one of the lookouts that she was headed toward the house and Malak had sent everyone out. He knew Kay well enough to have an inkling of what was coming. Sure enough, when she stood before him she said she was out; under the protection of Aes Sedai. That they'd find out exactly where she'd gone today if she didn't end her day inside the White Tower. He shook his head, mostly at himself.

"You're such a fool, Kay-bird. After all I've done for you, you should know I'd take care of you even now."

"Take care of me?" He could see the panic in her dark eyes. All those times he'd warned her and she still didn't know how easy she was to read. For a man like him, who studied people and understood them - and used them until he needed them no more - she was an open book and always had been. It was why he'd stopped having her followed. He knew what she would and would not do. Malak hadn't even been worried when the Aes Sedai had brought her in for questioning, though the rest of the gang had been certain they'd be blown in. He smiled to see recognition in her eyes. She was quick, his Kay-bird; not as quick as he himself was, but she was clever enough to know when the cat was out of the bag. He'd figured it out earlier in the week when she started lurking around the White Tower again. The few pounds she'd put on; the begging out of fights because she ‘needed a break;' what he couldn't figure was what ruddy bastard he was going to have to kill for getting her first. "You never took care of me, Malak. I was a payday for you, and you made sure I knew it."

Again Malak shook his head, this time in both hurt and anger. Had she really never understood? "I took you in, Kayloha, when you was on the street. With nothing, desperate to be free of Aes Sedai strings." His voice was rising, and he could feel his lip curl. "I gave you a home, a family, a job. Training, so you could be the best in the city - and you are, for your size."

"You let the boys humiliate me every day!" Her neck was stretched out in anger and Malak briefly entertained thoughts of snapping it.

"That's how the boys is, Kay-bird. They tease each ovver. If you think any of them boys is honestly still upset that they can't touch you then your head is further up your own arse than I thought," He chuckled. She was a pretty enough gal, but there were plenty of pretty gals who were also willing and who weren't under Malak's personal protection. Not to mention Kay's own ability to protect her own body. He still didn't understand her paranoia. A lot of country superstition, most likely. Folks were worldly in Tar Valon, and he'd come to understand that they weren't always, elsewhere.

Kay's mouth opened and closed a few times. Malak smiled cruelly. Hearing the truth could be hard, but sometimes it needed to be said.

"I even took you back when you ran. Twice. I don't give third chances, Kayloha." Seeing her stiffen, he changed tactics, softening. "Half of all this could have been yours, Kay-bird, at a single word. I know what you fink, but it wouldn't have been like that. I'd have taken on this one," he gestured at her midsection, "and any you'd have given me. After us, this whole operation would have been theirs." He sighed and scowled. "Half of everything, and what you got now? All of nothing." He shook his head in pity and regret.

It was a sight he'd never really observed closely before, but now he watched the fight just simply drain out of Kayloha. She rarely backed down over anything.

"That's why I can't stay. Please understand that…if things were different, I'd still be here."

"Still be here, but still lookin' for a way out, Kay-bird." He'd always known her better than she knew herself. It was the way he was. It was what gave him power over people. He shook his head at how much clearer she was to him than to herself.

She nodded, "But they're not."

Malak sighed and ran through the list of what he planned to do to the poaching thief. For years now he'd been pining for this girl, playing by the rules she'd written, and gotten himself a fat nowhere. Then some scab swoops in from nowhere and she's got to run to the White Tower because he'd run off again. He'd start with a beating.

"Rules is rules, Kay-bird. And the rules say no one leaves the gang." His voice was flat but inside he was burning. When the scab was bleeding away on the sidewalk he'd bring him inside and start to cut out his organs. "Out of respect for your condition you've got till the door closes behind you, then it's 500 on your head."

She paled, but to her credit only stuck her chin out and nodded.

"And I emphasize to the boys that the no-touching rule is off." He smiled as cruelly as he could muster. It was easy in his hurt and anger. "Think about it before you close that door, Kay. It'll be a thousand marks in three months. Aes Sedai or no Aes Sedai, that's a lot of money." He'd cut off the scab's skewer and feed it to him. Then the pain would start. Kay looked at him a long moment and left without another word, and Malak decided maybe he'd even have an Aes Sedai Heal the man, just so he could deal him more pain. No one poached in Malak's garden.

"I suggest you run!" He roared through the still-open door and was pleased to see her take his advice. First the scab, then his Kay-bird. Regrets would fall like rain.

Now I am truly alone.

~~~

Every price Kay had paid, every hurt she'd endured, every fear of discovery was forgotten in the instant she held her son in her arms. For him, she would endure it all and more, a thousand times if need be. Kay studied his perfect little form. She hoped he wouldn't look too much like his father, but looking into his flawless green and gold eyes, that hope wilted a little. Maybe no one would notice. A child deserved to grow up appreciated for himself, not judged by his father's actions. Kay prayed for a fair life for her son, prayed that she had made the right choice, prayed that the unpleasantness with Malak would blow over so she would live to see her son grow up.

"Praetor," she told the Yellow sister, too tired to tell the woman not to channel on her. Anyway, the woman's hand on her forehead was cool and soothing. Before the labor, it had been a long day of near-fasting, against the Yellow's wishes. Even with her baby due any day, Kay could not pass up Lamma Sor, the Day of Remembrance, which was a fastday in the Borderlands. All day she had spent thinking of those who had fallen to the Blight, and those who would fall keeping the Lands safe from the evils within the Blight. "I will call him Praetor." A single tear fell on the babe's forehead as he drifted to sleep but Kay did not see it as her own eyes slid closed.

Catthou, I hope you are happy where you are. I miss you and I still love you, though I know I probably shouldn't. I'm sorry you are not here to see your son. With him here, I can almost imagine you are, too. Perhaps someday you will meet him; I hope so - we'll be here waiting where you left us, easy enough to find if you want to. Until then, I will raise him on my own.

Unnoticed and unremarked, the Wheel wove. New threads began, old threads were cut short or set aside until the Pattern called for them again. So has it been, so will it always be.