Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like to go home again. Would her mother have welcomed her back with open arms? Could she have had a real family again, not like the one the Paerons gave her? She’d never know though. She wasn’t even sure she could find her mother again, her old home, let alone what might wait within it. The Tower was her home now, and it would be for as long as she could make it so.

That was why the sight of the Mistress of Novices coming towards her sent fearful shivers through her. It wasn’t the woman herself, or the fear of more chores. No, it was the look in the Aes Sedai’s eyes. Sephann knew why the woman had come looking for her now, at such a late hour of night. She knew what was to be asked of her at that moment. She knew that this was her last chance.

The Aes Sedai folded her hands gently in front of her. “It’s time, Sephann.” Sephann nodded, staring at the floor and followed silently behind. This was the third time she’d been come for, the third time the Mistress of Novices had brought her to that room. It was the third time she would be given the chance to take the test. It was the last time she would set foot in the tower if she said now. Three chances. Every Novice got three chances to takes the test for Accepted. Every one got three chances to turn away. Sephann had had two chances already. The first time she had refused immediately. The words had barely been out of the Aes Sedai’s mouth and she’d refused. The second time, she’d just stared at that glowing light beneath the arches for what seemed like an eternity, before they had taken her silence as a second refusal. Now it was her third chance, her last. If she refused today she would lose her home here at the Tower, lose any chance at becoming Aes Sedai, and most importantly she would lose her truest friend, Terecy.

Terecy had been raised almost two years ago. Sephann had seen her afterwards, in tears unable to express what she had seen. Terecy had always been the stronger once, the courageous one; if the Arches could do such things to her, what hope did Sephann have? And maybe that was the fear that had kept from them for so long.

They stepped into the room that Sephann had entered twice before. The light in the arches was already flickering, glowing, threatening her with its white aura. The sister sat around it, a white, a yellow and a red, none of whom she knew. In the room also stood a brown, Alainn Sedai, whom she knew only in passing. None of them had been present at her previous chances, only the Mistress of Novices.

The woman turned to her. “Though you have heard them before, I will say to you the words that no woman hear until she stands as you do now, so you do not misunderstand the choice before you. Once you begin, you must go on to the end. Refuse and you will be put out of the Tower with silver enough for a year. Second. To seek, to strive is to know danger. Some women have entered and never come out. When the ter’angreal was allowed to grow quiet they were not there and they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Falter, fail and… This is your last chance, Sephann. Twice before you have been brought and twice before you have refused. Refuse now and you will be put out of the Tower forever. There is no shame in knowing your limits; you would not be the first to walk away.”

Sephann took a deep breath. To leave the Tower forever; she did not think she could do it. Where would she go? Back to her family who did not know her, who might not love her anymore? A year’s silver would get here no where. She had no, no place to be but here. No friends or family, but those who lived with her here. And it was at that moment, at her last chance that Sephann finally settled on the truth. To be put out from the Tower was as good as not living at all. There was no life beyond these walls. Whether the arches took her or she was put out it made no difference. This was the only place she wanted to be. So be it. “I will take the test,” she said softly.

The Mistress of Novices nodded and headed forward. Alainn Sedai spoke then, loud and formally. “Whom do you bring with you, Sister?”

“One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister,” the Mistress of Novices replied in the same tone.

“Is she ready?”

“She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears gain Acceptance.”

“Does she know her fears?”

“She has never faced them, but now is willing.”

“Then let her face what she fears.”

The formal words spoken back and forth were almost enough to shatter Sephann’s resolve. To face fears she didn’t know, things that had sent a strong girl like Terecy into sobs. How was she to face such things? Was she really prepared for this? Perhaps she should have refused… No, this had to be done. She would not walk away now, not now, she couldn’t.

Slowly Sephann undressed, as she knew she should, taking the time to settle her resolve. If she was going to do this she couldn’t waver or that itself might cause her not to come back. It was a maddening circle really, one that only terrified her more. Ultimately, she would succeed or she wouldn’t and all the fretting in the world wouldn’t change that. If only she’d seen it sooner she might have been able to be raised with Terecy.

The Mistress of Novice’s hands were warm on her cold shoulders. “The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.”

Sephann took a deep breath and stepped forward allowing the Light to consume her…

Sephann knocked softly on the door, waiting patiently as she heard the shuffling inside the house. It had only been a few years and yet she was so nervous to see her mother again; nervous and excited. She tried not to fidget with her hands as she waited for the door to be opened.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

The voice was distant, almost disembodied and Sephann thought for a moment that she must be hearing things. She was probably just tired from the long journey. She dismissed the thought and turned her attention back to the small cottage.

The lock clicked and the door slid open slowly. A gold and silver haired woman peered out. “Yes? Can I help you?” Her eyes widened slowly. “Sephann… is that you?”

Sephann smiled broadly. “Yes, mama, it’s me. I’m back.”

Her mother opened the door the rest of the way reaching out a hesitant hand to touch her cheek. “Light spare me, it is you.” She shook her head. “No, no, go away, you aren’t my daughter any more.”

Her smiled faded. “Mama, what do you mean? I’m home. The Paerons are gone, they don’t own me anymore. I’ve come back to you and papa and Feran.” The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

Her mother tried to close the door and only Sephann’s insistent hand stopped it. “Leave here!” the woman shrieked. “They corrupted you, turned you. You aren’t my daughter anymore. You’re one of them, one of their kind!”

Sephann shook her head, not believing what she was hearing. “No, mama, the Aes Sedai rescued me, they saved me from the Paeron’s. Please, mama, I’m…I’m home mama, please.”

But the woman would not be persuaded. “You’re no daughter of mine. I have no daughter. The darkfriends took her, and destroyed her. Get away from me!”

“Mama,” Sephann pleaded. The way back… Out of the corner of her eye she saw the silver arch, not five paces off. Be steadfast. Sephann looked back to her mother. She had to make her mother see reason, otherwise she could never go home. She had to prove that she was the good daughter she’d always been. She couldn’t lose her family, it was all she had left. Where would she go? What would she do? The way back… “Mama, please, don’t-“ Be steadfast! “I’m sorry,” she said and turned away, giving in to the draw of the arch. Forgive me, mama. The Light swelled and enveloped her.

Sephann stumbled out onto the cold floor, the memories winding her. Cold water dripped over her, running down her hair over her nose and cheeks, down over her bare skin. She breathed slowly, trying to make sure tears did not join them. Light, what kind of torture was this? Slowly, she began to understand why Terecy had come to her in tears that night. Slowly, she began to see.

“You are washed clean of what sin you may have done and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.”

The Mistress of Novices took her arm and led her to the next arch. “One finished, only two more to go.”

Sephann nodded weakly, staring into the white light through the second gate.

“The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast,” Sephann took a shaky breath, closed her eyes and stepped forward once more.

“It’s time, Sephann.”

Sephann looked up from her reading exercise. “Yes, Aes Sedai,” she said quietly, putting it aside to follow the other woman. Today was the day, her last chance. Twice she’d been brought forward for Accepted testing and twice she’d refused. Today was her last chance, or else she would be put from the Tower forever. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

She followed the Aes Sedai up to the room that most women only saw once or twice in their Novice whites. She knew what she must do, in order to stay, she knew she must complete the test, but she was afraid. She’d seen girls who had done it; she’d seen her best friend in tears after the test. She feared what awaited her beneath those glowing arches.

The Mistress of Novices led her into the room and spoke the words that Sephann had heard twice before. She nodded slowly. She had to take the test, or she’d be gone from the Tower forever, she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t give up her future, her friends.

The way back…

They entered the room and she saw the sisters sitting around the ter’angreal. And she saw the fourth sister, Terecy Sedai of the Blue, her closest friend in the world. The woman she trusted more than anyone else in the world. Terecy had been raised so fast, was so good at everything. It scared Sephann what the test had done to her, but if Terecy had survived, she owed it to her friend to try.

The Mistress of Novices and Terecy spoke the words of ceremony and Sephann took off her clothes. She allowed the Mistress of Novices to escort her towards the first arch, but shared a secret smile with Terecy. At last she was finally ready to take the test. At last she could rejoin her friend and they could be true friends again.

“The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.” The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

It was like an echo, maybe an effect of the arches. And then as she was about to step through, Sephann noticed another arch, off in the corner. It called to her pulled at her. She took a step towards it.

“Child, if you walk away now, you will be put out of the Tower forever.”

Another step.

“Sephann,” Terecy hissed. “What are you doing? You can’t stop in the middle of the test! They’ll throw you out.”

“I’ll take the test,” she said absently, “I just have to…” Be steadfast.

“Sephann if you’re put out we can never be friend again. Don’t turn your back on me now after all we’ve been through.”

Sephann turned to look at Terecy and then back to the arch. She laughed nervously. “Don’t be silly, Ter, I’ll be able to be your friend, even if you are Aes Sedai.”

“But I won’t be yours.”

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

Sephann stared at the glowing arch. “Ter, please, I have to do this.” Come but once.

Terecy put a gentle hand on her arm. “Don’t do this to me, Sephann, we’ve been through too much. I want to be your friend, but I can’t if you don’t stay. You have to take the test.”

“I…” Sephann gulped, forcing herself not to look at her friend. “I can’t…” Be steadfast. Without another moment’s hesitation she pulled her arm free and walked into the shining Light, her friend’s last plea echoing in her mind.

The cold water cascaded over her and Sephann looked around uncertainly. She was in the testing room. Yes she was taking the test. But hadn’t she just been… had that been part of the test, taking the test? None of it made any sense. “You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul.”

When the touch came on her arm, Sephann pushed it off. “What’s going on? Was… was that real? Is this? What…” she shivered in the cold air. Light, it had felt so real… and so did this… were was Terecy?

“No one, know if it’s real child.”

“Where’s Terecy? Where is she?

” The Aes Sedai raised an eyebrow. “She is probably asleep with all the other trainees as she should be. You can see her in the morning. Now come, there’s one left.”

Sephann allowed herself to be led, trying to push the horrible feeling away. She’d walked away from her friend, abandoned her test, abandoned everything they’d both worked for. She wanted to see Terecy, to make sure everything was all right. Her friend still cared for her, right? They were still friends, right?

“Focus child. There is only one more. The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.”

Sephann Paeron, Aes Sedai of the White Ajah walked serenely back to her quarters. The Sitter had been unwilling to listen to her suggestion about food redistribution in the city. She simply did not see that if food was taken from the wealthy and given to the poor it would balance out society and make Tar Valon more prosperous in the long run. It made perfect sense and yet the woman would not bring it before the hall. Not that it mattered though, in time she would become a Sitter and then she could change things for the better herself. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

He could be waiting for her in her quarters, as he always was. She would have to dismiss him of course, before her next meeting. There were certain things even Warders could not be privy to. He would complain, as usual, but eventually see the logic that her meeting with another Aes Sedai was perfectly harmless. After all she’d met with Alainn Sedai many times; they were working together quite closely for the good of the Tower. But there were certain things he could not know, for his own safety.

But as she laid a hand on the door to her room, Sephann realised that he was not within. The bond led her mind to elsewhere in the Tower and… and pain. Someone was hurting her gaidin; someone who had rendered him powerless to prevent it. Light save them both, she’d been discovered! The way back will come but once.

She hurried through the corridors of the Tower, all sense of serenity gone. She had to find him before it was too late. She had to protect him from them, from the pain. So much pain, she could feel his agony, feeling that it took every inch of his determination to protect himself from them. This was her fault. If only she’d told him, he might have been prepared. She had to save him. She must!

Be steadfast.

I will, she answered absently. She would find him. Her path led her deep into the Tower, down corridors most had never been in. Closer and closer she drew, until she swore she could almost hear the screams that echoed in her mind. She stopped suddenly outside a door she knew to be the one. He was just beyond this door and so was her fate. She had come so far, worked so hard and now he was paying the price. Taking a deep breath she forced open the door and stepped inside.

The room was dark, stagnant, lit only by a pair of torches on the far wall. Between them hung a man, howling and bleeding, a man who had protected her so many times before. He raised his head to look at her, and for the first time she saw pleading in his eyes, despair. Light protect them both, she should have warned him sooner. She should have told him the truth. She trusted him with her life, why had she never trusted him with this?

“You should not have come,” a voice whispered, a woman in the darkness. “I told you to leave everything to me. You should not have come.”

“Let him go,” she said, her voice expressing a calmness she did not feel. “He is not a part of this.”

The way back will come…

The woman smiled, though Sephann could not see her face. “He is now. It is too late for him, Sephann. He is blinded by the way of the Light. We have been patient, but it is time to decide where you loyalties lie. You cannot hide beneath that white cloak forever. Leave him to me and prove your loyalty to the Great Lord.”

“Release him, now,” she said fear creeping into her voice. She had to save him; she couldn’t let them have him.

Howled as the woman sent weaves Sephann couldn’t see shooting through his body. When he fell limp again he could not raise his head, but she could hear his pleads in her mind. She was the only one who could say him; the only one who could protect him from the evil that sat in the shadows of the room.

Be steadfast. She could feel it behind her, the glowing doorway. She could see his eyes, as he used all his strength to raise his head again, begging, pleading not to be abandoned to the pain. She could hear the woman’s offer, to escape from what would be certain death for them both, to leave and turn her back on the very Light itself. Be steadfast. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast!

“Leave and prove your loyalty,” the faceless woman hissed.

”Sephann,” he whispered.

“Leave and swear yourself to the darkness.”

”Sephann, please…”

She fled into the Light and Shadow.

Sephann stumbled through the arch, falling to her knees on the rough stone, tears streaming down her face. “I’m not,” she sobbed. “I’m not one of them. I’m not a darkfriend. I couldn’t save him, Light help me; I’m not one of them. I’m not.” “I know child,” said a gentle voice. “Come, we must finish this.”

Through tear blurred eye Sephann looked around the room. There were more people than had been there before, once sister for each Ajah, and the Amyrlin herself, holding the last chalice of water. The Mistress of Novices and Alainn Sedai helped her to her feet and she walked on unsteady legs to kneel before the Amyrlin.

The water ran over her, washing the tear streaks from her face. She’d done it! She’d finished the test, she’d made it to Accepted and all she wanted to do was run as far away from the Tower as she could. But she knew, she knew when she left here where she could go. There was a lap she could bury her face in and cry until she was hoarse. Just as she had been there for Terecy, so would her sister be there for her.

“You are washed clean of Sephann Paeron from Mayene. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Sephann Paeron Accepted of the White Tower.” The Amyrlin set the chalice aside and helped her to her feet, sliding the gold serpent onto her finger. “You are sealed to us now.”

Cold and wet Sephann was dressed in her new banded dress and sent on her way with a few words of comfort and pride from the various sisters. Apparently few had expected her to take the test and fewer still had thought she’d come out the other side. She had surprised them all, and perhaps surprised herself the most. As she walked down the corridor she fingered the ring, realising how strange it felt to wear any jewellery at all.

She turned the last corner and saw an open doorway in the Accepted quarters. A single figure stood there, smiling softly. Sephann broke into a run, wrapping her arms around her sister, tears flowing freely again. Terecy took her into her room and closed the door, hugging her tightly. Amid the tears and sobs Sephann confessed how she’d abandoned her friend and everything they’d planned together. She begged for forgiveness from her friend, praying that Terecy would understand.

The other girl smiled and raised Sephann’s chin. Terecy had tears in her eyes too. “Only if you’ll forgive me. I didn’t tell you until now, because I knew you wouldn’t understand, but I turned my back on you too.” She hugged Sephann tight again. “But what’s important is that since we both fear the same thing, so long as we’re true to each other, nothing will ever come between us.”

Sephann smiled, settling into her friend’s embrace. Truer words had never been spoken. Together they had become Paerons. Together they had become Novices. And now they were Accepted, together. Nothing would ever come between them.