It was growing later in the evening, and so Rakein had retreated to her room. Though it was small, and if she ended up too near a corner she felt claustrophobia creeping up on her, it was a place to hide. The Novice needed time alone to rejuvenate her patience and resettle her mind, and in particular to escape the feeling of constant judgment. She knew very well that every Sister, every Accepted, and every Novice she even simply passed by in the hallways looked at her and thought something about her. Something. And Rakein was often more concerned with that something than she should be, and would like to be.

She had just removed the eye-patch that covered her missing left eye when there was a knock on the door. The Tairen rushed to place the white patch back on, but the door opened and the person entered before she could do anything. She froze with shock when she saw that it was the Mistress of Novices. It had been some time since the younger woman had spoken with Jade Sedai, and that last time had been the last time she was in trouble. At least it had been a long time.

“Leave it, child,” the Yellow Sister said, referring to the eye-patch. Rakein obediently placed it back on the small nightstand, though she was reluctant to fully face Jade Sedai without it. “Come with me. The hour waits on no woman.” The Novice again obeyed. She was far too busy wondering what “the hour” was to be rebellious even in mind. Could this…could this be it…? After six and a half years? This could be what she had been striving for all those years, though the large pessimistic part of her kept telling her that it was what she had been dreading.

The Mistress of Novices was silent as they walked through the hallways, and though Rakein made it a point to keep up with the small woman, she did not dare speak. These moments felt far too solemn, and she doubted she would be able to find her voice if she tried. Whatever this was about, embarrassing herself would likely destroy anything good about the situation. It became obvious the Rakein that they were not only always traveling through the heart of the Tower, but were also heading down into its depths. Novices did not explore where they should not very often, so it was all unfamiliar to her. When they finally reached a pair of huge stone doors, she had no clue where she was.

No asking questions, she told herself. But finally, Jade Sedai spoke, and made a point of facing her. Though the short woman had to look up at the Novice, Rakein did not notice. The Tairen had learned very quickly that the size of these women was deceiving.

“It is time, Rakein, for your testing, but only if you will go on. These things no woman hears before she comes to this place.” The woman paused, perhaps to give the young woman a moment to really feel the weight of her words. “Once you begin this, you must continue to the end. To refuse to go on, to balk, is to fail and you will sent away from the Tower. You may refuse to go through this door twice. Decline a third time and it will be as if you turned back after entering; you will be sent back to Tear and the life you left behind. If you wish to turn back now you may do so, and you will still have two more chances. What will you do?”

Refuse? It sounded so tempting. Testing…she was hardly prepared for this! Did they always have to surprise them so? Many women did not make it past this test…some returned to the lives they had, knowing what they had lost, and others did not return at all. But was this not why she wore the white? Was this not what she had been preparing for all her time at the Tower? She was prepared for this, or she would not be here.

“I will go on, Aes Sedai.”

“Good, child. No woman hears this until they have arrived at these doors, as well: to seek, to strive is to know danger. Here you will know danger. Some women have passed through these doors and not come out again. When the ter’angreal was allowed to grow silent they simply were not there.”

It was not simply death…it was even more unknown. Rakein felt sick, but could not come up with a reason why she should rather give up this than risk her life. What would her life be, if she did not even try? At least, if she failed, she would know…she would know if it was meant to be or not. And to think she hated the saying “the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills.”

The Aes Sedai did not give Rakein a chance to speak, which the Tairen was glad of. The room they entered was dimly lit, and she had trouble making out the other Sisters who stood or were seated around what lay in the center of the room. It was the ter’angreal, with its three arches. One Aes Sedai stood at each arch. At the third arch stood Tamika Sedai, and the Seafolk woman’s dark skin glowed eerily from the flickering lighting. Rakein actually smiled. At least the woman who she believed had gotten her to this point would witness either her success or her failure.

“Who do you bring with you, Sister?” the Sister, a Green who Rakein did not recognize, who stood at the second arch, spoke up.

“One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister,” Jade Sedai responded methodically.

“Is she ready?”

“She is prepared to leave behind who she was, and passing through her fears, gain Acceptance.”

Rakein felt bitter. She did not like someone speaking for her. But these were Aes Sedai, and this was how they worked. If she wanted to wear the shawl, she would have to follow their rules, she knew that. And if she had managed it these past six, even more, years, she could manage it for…

“Does she know her fears?”

“She has never faced them, but now she is ready.”

But I know them? her mind questioned. She felt herself getting lost in thousands of questions, lost in the strange rhythm of these ceremonial words. “Then let her face them.”

Jade Sedai turned back to Rakein, and told her to remove her clothes. The young woman felt far less embarrassment than she expected, and certainly a thousand times less than she had when Melan had bathed with her, several years ago. Perhaps her friend would make a Shienaran of her yet… If…

The white dress and smallclothes dropped to the floor, bearing to herself and the Aes Sedai a body she was hardly proud of, and which bore marks from her accident scattered all over. She felt exposed in more ways than one as she approached the first arch, and believed she had already faced a fear or two.

“The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once, be steadfast.”

Cold…

She shuddered and shivered, recoiling from the man’s touch only to land in a heap on the floor. She was just a girl, just seventeen, just in love. But just that was over now: the Wheel could even leave her alone, just a girl. She did not know who she was anymore, as all those people and those ideas that she had identified herself with were lost in this man’s burning eyes, which she could only reflect with an icy stare. They always said anger blinded. They said love blinded, too…

“Please, Rakein.”

The voice was surprisingly soft, and it shocked the Tairen girl out of her frozen state. Darion’s eyes were suddenly calm, deep brown pools, the same as those she had fallen in love with.

“Please help me.”

It was the simplest of requests, and the young man made no motion of beckoning her. There was only the slightest bit of questioning in his voice, and no sign of pleading. He was not begging like a man afraid above all else for his own life. There were no tears in his eyes, unlike in Rakein’s.

As the guards rushed in and seized both his arms, grabbing him forcibly even though he did not struggle, she found it difficult to meet his gaze.

“You always abandoned him when he needed you most…”

The words echoed from deep inside her, as if from another life. That would be her future, if she abandoned him now. Alone, with that sole thought piercing her heart with every breath she took. It was betrayal of the one she loved, the one she had sworn she would love forever.

Standing up, Rakein drew from strength and dignity she did not know she had, qualities she had never learned here in Tear.

“This man did not kill the Lord Tharnn. I cannot believe that. And I would vouch for this man with my own life.”

“With your own life? You may have to,” one of the guards remarked.

“Go check the Lord’s chambers,” Rakein said briskly, with such command behind her voice that at least one of the guards started toward Tharnn’s rooms immediately. The Captain gestured to a man that he should do as she bid.

Rakein met Darion’s eyes for a moment, and the compassion and gratitude that filled his eyes seemed to overflow until they ruptured his composure completely and he broke into tears. Falling to his knees as the guards released him at the nod of the Captain, the girl rushed forward to embrace him, blood and all.

The one guard returned from the Lord Tharnn’s chambers, and informed his officer that there was indeed another unidentified body in the room. The guard Captain nodded thoughtfully, and turned to Rakein.

“You will have to testify on his behalf if you wish to save him,” he informed her gravely. She held his gaze and nodded before returning to Darion.

“I will never leave you,” she whispered. He made some kind of answer, but a flash of light behind him, beyond the guards, caught her eye. What formed made her mouth drop open slightly. An archway…to somewhere beyond…a way…

Back.

Those were not words from another life: those were words from her life, words in her own head, from her own memories, from the present. That was already her future. She felt a sob rise in her throat and explode out of her. What was she doing? What had she done?

“Rakein? What’s wrong?”

“I was,” she muttered before leaping up and racing towards the archway, breaking free of her love’s touch.

“Where are you going, woman?” one of the guards shouted after her, and she could hear their footsteps racing after her.

“No, Rakein do not leave me!” Darion’s voice pleaded with her, and each syllable pierced her heart in another place. “Please! I don’t want to d—”

Cold…wet…

Water splashed onto her head and poured down onto her naked body, even as she sobbed and swore and shivered worse than she ever had at a man’s touch. But she rose almost immediately.

“You are washed clean of any sins you have committed and those committed against you. You are washed clean of what crimes you have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.”

It was well past time to move on, and so she moved to the next arch nearly before they were done with the ceremonial washing.

“This time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.”

She entered resolutely: her mind reflecting her numbed body, she felt little, and so little fear.

Numb…

No matter how many times she ran her fingers over the glossy tissue, pink and puffy, only her fingertips felt the scar, the scarred skin did not feel the touch. The feeling, and the location of every scar on her body, was ingrained in her mind. But lately she had paid less attention to her body, and to herself in general. Her mind was consumed with a mix of emotions regarding another: love, concern, pain, anger… These days, after time had eaten away at her, the latter two emotions largely overcame the prior.

Melan Chulien had been her best friend, her only friend, the dearest person to her. And she still was, Rakein hoped. But she had hoped for months now, and her hope was being stretched too thin. The letter she had received that had brought to her the horrible news was the only physical thing she had to remember her friend by, and though she wished she was not so attached to it, she kept it under her pillow at all times, and the fold creases and edges were worn from much use.

Her days were no different than before her friend had left, except that they were a little emptier, and she had kept moving forward with the same stubbornness that Melan had always lovingly mocked her for. Perhaps that stubbornness was the only thing keeping her from giving up on the Shienaran. All someone had to do was suggest that Mel was certainly coming back, though, and she would stubbornly deny it.

No one had yet. And so she believed.

“Rakein,” came a voice. The Tairen looked up to see an Accepted. “You are wanted by the Mistress of Novices immediately.”

Rakein swallowed, but remained silent. There was no point in asking the woman any questions: she would know nothing and she would likely ignore the Novice or be as rude as possible. And the Tairen was in no mood for conversation of any form. She wasn’t very often with strangers.

When she entered the Jade Sedai’s office, she was surprised to see Krion Gaidin already there, as well. The look in his eyes as he saw her brought dread to her heart, but he said nothing, waiting for the Mistress of Novices. He knew that her title was not to be taken lightly.

“Rakein, please sit down,” Jade Sedai said, and the Novice practically took it as an order. Rakein was already in a daze.

“You must be told of some terrible news, my child.” Though there was little difference in the woman’s demeanor from her usual appearance, but Rakein had never heard an Aes Sedai speak so warmly. It scared her. “Melan Chulien has been found, but I am afraid too late. She was found dead two days ago, and we just received word of it. I am sorry. We did not give up looking for her, and we did everything we could so that it would not end this way.”

She stared at Jade Sedai, and then turned to Krion. He looked tired, dazed, and pained. The Aes Sedai watched her, her brow furrowed with worry, but Rakein did nothing. She could not move, and could not say anything. But it was not grief, shock, or any sort of pain that froze her. She felt numb, and the fact that she did not feel an immense pain that she expected she should made her wonder what was wrong with her. Without such emotions when they were suitable, her existence seemed empty.

“Are you alright, Rakein?” Krion Gaidin asked her, putting his hand on her shoulder like he had when she first met him. There was a certain amount of urgency in his eyes.

“Yes,” was all she could get out. Then after a moment she felt herself speaking again, though she did not remember telling herself to. “Is she here?”

“Her body is in the infirmary, but I’m afraid you cannot see her yet, child. You may wait here if you’d like.”

She nodded slowly. She had something to say to her friend, and so she would wait.

Krion was obviously very worried about her, and he perhaps found it relieving to put his own pain into concern for Rakein.

“I am so sorry Rakein. I should have done more to try and bring her back. And now it is too late…”

The way back…before it is too late…

Rakein blinked. Something shown beside Jade Sedai in a strange light, and she found herself standing up before she could think at all.

“Please, stay seated, child. Rest yourself. You may stay here as long as you’d like, and then you may see Melan.”

Melan…she so wanted to see her face again, and watch her sharp, cool blue eyes glint with amusement again.

The way back…

She could go back, but could she bring Melan back? Would she see her again?

She stumbled through the gateway, pulling herself free of the grief that dulled her senses, back to the waiting.

Cold…wet…

Water splashed over her as she pounded at the wet marble, demanding over and over again that they give her back…

“You are washed clean of any sins you have committed and those committed against you. You return to us clean of heart and soul. You are washed clean of what crimes you have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.”

Rakein was slower getting to her feet this time. She find her legs wobbly and so remained on her knees until Jade Sedai reminded her that if she gave up, it would be over. If Melan came back to the Tower, it would not matter for Rakein if she was not there waiting for her.

“This time is for what will be. The way back comes but once. Be steadfast.”

Hot…

She could feel the heat licking her skin, wafting against her body as if beckoning her into it, trying to wrap her up in it. The wall had suddenly exploded in a flash of light, and she had turned her face away, and for a moment lapsed into wretched memories of a blast, and a hot, searing pain all over her body that consumed her until there seemed to be no more. She remembered how awakening to find herself alive had been almost as painful, and she found it difficult to open her eye. She could feel the white patch she wore over the scarred, fleshy remains of her left eye underneath her fingers.

Slowly removing her hands from covering her face, her breathing ragged and her heart racing in her ear, she stared wide-eyed at the destruction before her. The White Tower gleamed like a holy spire far beyond in the horizon, but in front of her there lay ruins of stone and ash and human flesh, all enflamed…

This time it had not been her, this time she escaped unharmed with no new scars. There was no pain, at least in her body – but nothing compared to the fear that clenched her heart tightly in its talons, seemingly trying to squeeze its last beats out of it before the end. What end was that? An end to suffering? That was what she had sought, but she knew the bodies that lay still sizzling on the ground, some still writhing in pain, suffered beyond what even she had felt that day a part of her had been taken from her.

It had been stolen, a piece of her, by another’s carelessness. By a girl who foolishly created an inane trap, a simple prank: useless, pointless. There had been no reason behind it, and so it was nothing but stupidity that was behind her pain. She could not remember what had happened to that girl, and so she expected she had died in her training. She could not feel sorry for her.

Rakein stood, draped in a red shawl bearing the Flame of Tar Valon, wearing the Serpent Ring, and watching the now still bodies before her smolder, falling in on themselves, transforming from flesh into dripping ashes. They had been four women, wilders. The three younger women had followed the older, and she had acted as their instructor. They feared the White Tower, and yet they had decided to dwell in a village just outside of Tar Valon itself, as if mocking the Shining Walls with their ignorance and recklessness. They had refused to come out and face justice.

They were a danger alive. Misuse of the One Power had always been treated as a serious crime, but not serious enough. The Red Ajah had become renowned for its systematic cruelty toward many male channellers, but the same harsh justice had not been brought upon those of the same gender. Rakein believed in such equality. And now that saidin was cleansed, it was easy to reach. Those who used the One Power without proper guidance should not exist. If a woman or man finds that they have the natural gift, they should seek out the White or Black Tower accordingly. If they did not, they were criminals, as they were a danger to society.

All seemed so simple, and yet the grown woman emptied her stomach in the grass beside her as the smell of burning flesh filled her nostrils, and her head spun at the realization of what she had done. She fell to her knees, and her shawl began to slide of her shoulders. She shook it off the rest of the way, as if suddenly afraid of it. The golden serpent ring on her finger suddenly felt heavy, and she wrenched it off.

Who was the fool that gave her these things, that told her she had the right to use the power she was given as a Servant of All? What gave her more of a right to use the Power than…she looked up from the ground to see one of the charred bodies, and found herself sick again.

She had become what she had hoped to fight against, and destroy.

But could she destroy herself?

She was a fugitive now, and based on her own ideals she would be hunted down like those men who could channel before saidin had been cleansed, like the madmen who succumbed to the taint of the Dark One. She was no better than them, and perhaps as mad as them. And they would deal with her appropriately. Stilled… Though it had been proved to be impermanent, she knew she did not deserve another chance.

What could she do? If she fled, they would find her.

“Please, get on your feet, Serenla Tear.”

That voice: so familiar, except for the grief, the anger, the defeat…it tore at her heart. Rakein turned to see Melan standing with sword drawn. That image did even more damage. There was a look clear in the Shienaran’s eyes that was more than disappointment.

“I am sorry, Melan,” Rakein said. She poured all her pain and self-hatred into her words, and yet they still sounded empty, felt empty.

“Come with me, Rakein Sedai.” The coldness, the distance in Melan’s words chilled her to the bone. “You must face justice.”

“I will administer justice,” Rakein raged, screaming, and trying to open herself to saidar’s flow as she rose. But she could not do it. She could not reach it, could not push aside all the anger, pain, and hate to let it in. Justice…she had dealt it out to several channellers, male and female…and now it was her turn to face the same cruel fate they had. And it was still justice. She knew that, and would not argue with it. But she would take it into her own hands. She would not be stilled. She would not wait for that, and then slowly decay until she found the chance to take her own life. She would end it now.

“Please, Rakein, please!” Melan cried, finding the remains of love for her friend when faced with the prospect of her death, “I want to bring you back, back to the Tower, and back to who you used to be…”

The way back…

“I want to go back,” Rakein muttered. Cold marble, wet body…there was no grass, no dress, no shawl, no ring…

…will come but once…

“I want to go back!” she screamed at the sky, demanding of it to show her the way.

…be steadfast.

A shimmering gateway appeared, seeming fabricated by the sun’s rays through her tear filled eyes. But Melan was beside her now, and when Rakein jumped up to race toward it, the Shienaran grabbed her. The woman was strong, very strong, having gained much muscle over her years of training and as an Ashandarei. Rakein struggled to break free, but not as hard as she could. It was Melan: her touch was soothing, and she could not hurt her.

“But I want to go back, Melan!” the one-eyed woman cried. “This isn’t real, this isn’t real…”

“I will take you back,” Melan said softly.

Rakein slowed her breathing down, and calmed her voice, though her heart pounded in her ear, counting out the precious seconds as they slipped by. Was the gateway getting smaller, or was it just her eye?

“I will go on my own, Melan. You do not need to drag me. I promise you.”

It was a lie. She was an Aes Sedai and she told a lie.

Melan released her.

She lied. She took an oath. She could not lie…

Rakein looked Melan in the eyes with sorrow, kissed her on the cheek, and took off toward the gateway, breaking away from her friend and her promise.

Water splashed over her and she shivered, but not from the cold. She did not pay attention to her senses, to what she heard or saw. It was only after this third arch that Rakein did not want to go on. She had succeeded. She was alive…and yet now, she did not wish to be.

What will be? Will I really become…that?

She wanted to ask the Aes Sedai. They had to know, they had gone through the arches. Was “what will be” really what will be? If it was… She couldn't become an Aes Sedai, she could not. She could not become that. Those people. She would kill them. No, she had to stop them…

But Jade Sedai was speaking, and Rakein knew she could not bring herself to stop her.

“You are washed clean of Rakein Tel’ran of Tear. You are washed clean of the ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are now Rakein Tel’ran, Accepted of the White Tower.”

The serpent ring was placed on her finger before she could argue, and with it she felt the weight of a “Servant of All” fall on her shoulders.

“You are sealed to us now.”

It was too late.