There was no knock on the door, and getting up swiftly she curtsied deeply when she saw who it was. Her heart began to beat quickly in her chest. What could she have done to cause the Mistress of Novices to come to her room? Oh, she thought, this must be bad! She stuttered out a jumbled 'Jascha Sedai,' and didn’t straighten until she was allowed to. Her thoughts swirled. Had she found out about the time she and some others had snuck out and she had served wine to some new Novices? That was ages ago, and probably the most serious crime she had done. These last weeks, she hadn’t been up to any mischief. What had she done?

'Follow me if you will.' It was an order, despite its friendly phrasing. Amber looked her in the eye, stricken, and just had time to wondering whether she was about to receive a sound switching, but her knees nearly wobbled as she heard the next words. 'You will be tested today.' She had heard them before.

As she followed Jascha Sedai out of the Novice Quarters, her hands shook violently and her chest felt cramped. She was afraid, pure and simple, and realizing it did not help. She knew her face was bright red, yet not from embarrassment this time. She walked behind Jascha Sedai and stretched out one hand to look at it shake. Then she held on to her skirts with both fisted hands. There were few people to be seen this time of the evening, but too many for Ambers taste anyhow. Servants moved out of their way with curtsies or bows, but one or two novices stared openly. She looked away, and kept her eyes at Jascha Sedai’s heels, peeking out from under her dress.

The Three Arches. Even knowing what to do, suddenly Amber wasn’t so sure. Her fright made her thoughts jumble up what to do and what to say. As they took stair after stair down, her knees shook as well, and she felt out of breath. She wanted to stop. She wanted to say Jascha’s name and not make this count, but she knew she couldn’t and kept quiet despite opening her mouth several times. Jascha Sedai didn’t slow down, just moved along with her cane as a natural extention of herself, didn’t look at her, but Amber was sure she knew of her terror. She thought about her past, about what she was afraid would happen. Seeing her sister Takia again and that vicious glimmer in her eyes, the way she lifted her chin a fracture of an inch when she knew she had won, knew Amber would cry, or knew her parents would side with her again. The moments she had been humiliated, been devastated and made to feel like slime on the bottom of the sea. To be with her parents and see the cold eyes of her father when he at times wondered what was going on with Amber after her older sister had told some story, to realize there were pity in her mothers face as they tried a game of Stones again. Seeing her grandmother die, knowing that there was nothing that she could do to stop it. To get the message in a lousy letter, not having seen the fine old woman for years… They had been so close, and Amber still missed her every day. At least at this moment she felt strongly that she had never stopped thinking about her. To re-live those feelings would be horrible, would be the worst she could imagine.

The window’s daylight gave way to lighted oil lamps, and darkness softened the hem of Jascha Sedai’s dress as flickers of light ate at it. Only now did Amber realize she wore her shawl, and her thoughts froze at that. It really was official. Somewhere Sisters would be waiting for her. She knew it then. She couldn’t go through with this. Not now. Perhaps not ever! The thought ate at her as she walked, no, stumbled after the Mistress of Novices. They kept on walking down spiraled ramps, down into the basement where Amber had been once before. There was no dust on the floor nor cobwebs hanging from the lamps, as if this way was trafficed every day, which Amber knew for a fact it was not.

Tears had formed in her eyes, and now they spilled down her cheeks. Amber kept on walking down and down, but didn’t feel her legs anymore. Only the ice that had formed inside her. It was hard, and hardening by the minute. She looked up at the shadows that partly hid the ceiling and wiped her tears. She didn’t sob, as Novices who wanted privacy quickly learned to cry silently, but surely Jascha Sedai knew she was crying. She swallowed audiably and cursed herself in her mind. There was but one thing to do, get in control of herself, and tell Jascha Sedai calmly that she couldn’t go through with the test at this time. Just like last time, the time she had failed The Three Arches. She suddenly thought of doing Novice excercises, and felt a pang of relief. Taking a few deep breaths she began. Her eyes dried up, and her entire body relaxed as she focused her mind. Going through excercise after excercice, the cold grey stone walls suddenly ended. It seemed too soon when they stopped before great wooden double doors, deep in the basement. Amber would never be able to find her own way to that corridor.

The door opened smoothly as Jascha Sedai put a hand to it. Inside, everything was as she had been told by others countless times and this winter seen for herself. Three sisters sat surrounding the three arches, the sisters surrounded by the glow, and an answering glow inside the ter’angreal. Her eyes were torn away as the Mistress of Novices began to speak. 'You may choose not to enter the arches at this time.' Amber nodded, about to speak, to refuse, but Jascha Sedai went on in a formal tone. 'If you do, you will have one chance left to go through. If you refuse the third time, you will be put out of the Tower with enough silver to last you one year.' 'I re-…' She had to try again, so badly shook her voice. 'I will do it now,' she whispered and breathed through her mouth. Her eyes were wide and her square mouth open as if she was surprised.

'Very well, child. There are two things I will tell you, that you have head before. But I will tell you again. No child hears this before she has come this far. One, refuse to go on at any point and you will be put out of the Tower for good. You must finish when you begin. Two: To seek, to strive, is to know danger.' Amber listened, the hair on her neck standing to attentention. Yes, she had been here before, but this time she would do it. She heard things today that she had forgotten in the horror and shame of refusing and running crying away until Jascha Sedai had caught up with her and guided her to her room. Jascha Sedai went on speaking, about how others hadn’t come back. To strive for Acceptedhood is to know danger, she thought. I can face this danger, I can seek out my past and my future.

'Do you want to go on? If you go back now, it will count as your second time, Amber.' 'I will be tested today.' This time Amber carefully undid the ribbon in her hair, realeasing it, buttoned down her sleeves and dress and lay it all in a neat pile, smallclothes on top.

A Sister wearing a green-fringed shawl began the old rite of passage. 'Whom do you bring with you, Sister?' 'One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance.' 'Does she know her fears?' 'She has never faced them, but now she is willing.' 'Then let her face what she fears.' 'The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.'

Amber listened to the words, and they made an impact on her, perhaps more than for others. Or very possibly not. She met Jaschas eyes with a more determined look now. And stepped through the first Arch.

Amber sat peacefully hidden away in a nook in the attic, with one of her fathers most treasured books, one she liked to read too, about Arthur Hawkwing. It really was a good book, entertaining, though perhaps not too trustworthy, thought the twelve year old. Twelve...?A voice in her wondered, but Amber shook it away. Suddenly a delighted yell came from the other end of the room. 'Found you, found you!' Takia shrilled out. Amber closed her book quickly and put it behind her. And well that she had, becase Takia reched into a pouch and began throwing pebbles at her. Or at least Amber thought so, before she picked one out of her hair, holding her other arm up in front of her face. It was a snail! She jumped up and began to run way, to the sound of Takias snickering. She felt disgusted and sad that Takia had picked them and would leave them to die up here, no doubt blaming Amber. It was so unfair! She ran down as she tried to shake off the snails in her hair and on her dress.

The way back will come but once. What was that? Amber’s mind quickly got back to what was happening. She was running as hard as she could, over the cornfield that lay closest to her grandmothers house, followed by a group of Takias friends. Amber’s back and thighs were filled with bruises from lying cuddled on the ground in the midst of that mob, and this was how it was every day at home. Every day. She cried as she ran. This was so undignified! Having run out of places to hide long ago, Amber would have to distract them or wait until they got tired of messing with her. Crying did not help. Being tickled did not help, escpesially after the one time she had wet herself. She wanted to wail, but panting, she ran on, towards the servants entrance. It was awful, living in fear all the time, trying to live at all was awful.

The way back will come but once.

There was a sudden flash in front of the door, a white arch, and panting, glad to be away, hardly understanding what it was, Amber darted through it. She stumbled out, still panting and eyes wide open, and slowly the Green Aes Sedai poured a chalice of water down on her. The water felt good, cold, she needed it to wash away those horrid, false memories. Tears from her humiliation mingeled with the water. What people would call childish pranks was not as innocent as they thought.

'You are washed clean of what sin you may have done, and of those done against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul.'

Amber clenched her teeth together, clamped her mouth shut until her jaws hurt. She would never speak of this to anyone, and she didn't have to ask whether it was real. Even if it hadn't been, it may as well have.

'The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once.'

Amber shivered, hands in fists, as she walked into the glow of the second Arch and she smoothed her dress down. Yes, she must always look presentable. What had she been doing a moment before? Well, no matter. She smiled to the others as she walked into the library, where men and women mingled around. It was dreadful, truly dreadful. Look at us, she thought, how small, unimportant and useless lives we all lead. The party her mother had put together was just the sort of occation Amber hated most of all. She was a prize to be shown off today, and most in the room were men. She sat down, staring into the wall. Life was empty, too empty. It felt like the Creator was doing embroidery with her life, but never got around to changing the pattern. Every day felt long, and slithering like soap sliding ever so slowly on. She wanted to scream, and she felt pressure rising in her head, she knew she was beet red. But it was not from anger nor embarrasment, just sheer helplessness.

The way back will come but once.

She got up and ran into a new room, where her mother and some of her friends sat doing embrodery. Didn’t I just embroider? She brushed the thought away, swallowed and sat down, trying to be brave. Oh, she knew how to sew, and to sit still and chat, and to behave properly and act high and mighty. But she didn’t like it. Feeling all alone in a void nobody could understand, Amber smiled ever so gently at her needlework. Being a maiden, she was no good to anyone, her entire life and excistance was worthless. Every day, doing the same things, every day meeting the eyes of people who didn’t care about her or who she was. Was she anybody at all? She went to bed in despair, yet thankfullness every evening, glad that another day had passed. Life had no meaning except that.

The way back will come but once.

What had that been? A way back? A way back to what, exactly? She didn’t want a way back, she wanted her life back! She wanted something, something more, something else! Her anger at her own silly thoughts, ‘a way back’, it rose inside her until she thought she must burst from it! She was someone, she was herself and nobody else’s, one day she would show these fine ladies just who they were, thinking such low thoughts about her, giggling, remembering the days they spit on her food in childhood...

Cursing and stuttering, Amber got up and stepped out of her mothers cozy rooms, and saw the weirdest Arch. It pulled her to it, and drained her at the same time; filled with the most empty ache, a nothingness of pain, she sighed deeply, tears raining down on her chest, and stepped through.

'You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul.'

Her despair would never end, she knew that, and as the water was poured over her, she lifted her head to face it. She racked with sobs, she felt like hitting herself and yelling at them all, hating that she was so humiliated again in front of them. But she would finish and finish it now, it meant she would never return to this room, she only needed to go through. She needed no helping hand to step through the last arch.

It was a day like all the rest, Amber knew that even though she felt a bit weird, except for one thing. Her betrothed was waiting in the small chaimber. That must be it, she thought. She wore a beautiful dress, though he had seen it on her once before. Well, more embroidery had been added and he hadn’t seen it in a long time after all. The room had dark, nicely carved furniture, and greenish tones with big, gracious windows. Lace curtains behind the dark green draperies that covered that wall let in the light that spluttered across the room. It was perfect for such intimate meetings as this. She stroked her dress down the hips and opened the door. To see her fiancée sitting with his head close to her older sister, Takias. And the dress she wore! For an Andoran dress, it was tight fitting in the bodice and in a suggestive, daring red. The outrageous embroidery did not hint, it yelled. It was the dress Amber ought be be wearing to this meeting. Her sister turned her head, then sighed deeply as she leaned back and then she, the trollop, arched her back ever so slightly!

'Amber, so you are here.' She stood stiff at the door, then blushed scarlet red to match her sisters dress. How could she? Amber asked herself as she saw her fiancee, her bethrothed, follow Takia leave the room with a look in his eyes. His gentle, soft eyes, they usually spoke of books he had read, news he had heard from the world, and now he actually started at seeing her when Takia passed behind her and closed the door. Always were Takia there, taking Ambers things and returning them as trash, coming to bring the joy out of everything, tearing down her life bit by bit and always smiling.

She put up a defenceless hand to fan herself, a gesture that used to make his eyes sparkle. Her voice was tight. 'How kind of Takia to entertain you while you were waiting. For me.' The last two words came too late and she knew it before she spoke. He took a sip of red wine, their best, as she looked at him, her so light gray eyes as cold as ever yet her face smiled pleasantly. She could easily see his confusion, his thoughts flashing, see it in him swallowing, a twist of his shoulders, in the normally so wonderful little frown he did with one eyebrow. What was between them before, was gone. Hardly being able to breathe, she felt her future breaking apart inside her mind, her chest was clamped together by unseen yet real thongs, she drew her breath shakily. 'There seems there is no glass for me any more.' The glass had been used by Takia. 'I shall only fetch a maid.' Amber turned and left him, her full lips shaking, blood punding in her ears and tears streaming down her face, tears she didn’t know about. The word she kept on gasping formed louder and louder, spittle following it out of her lips. 'What? What?' She beat herself on the hips and screamed.

The way back will come but once.

When a silvery arch appeared, she fled through it. And again she drew a breath to scream in rage and horror. She barely managed to quiet herself as the Amyrlin herself stepped to her and began pouring the water over her. She squeezed her eyes shut, but opened them again instantly.

'You are washed clean of Amber Gwion from Caemlyn. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Amber Gwion, Accepted of the White Tower. You are sealed to us, now.'

Barely able to see through tears, she swallowed as the Amyrlin took her hand and slipped the ring onto it.